I’m moving cities. Literally picking up all my shit, and moving myself to an entirely new city. I’m leaving all of my friends and family in order to further my career with Apple… dumping everything that I’ve built for myself here… Am I doing the right thing? It feels right. The timing is quick… A lot quicker than I wanted, or imagined. But maybe that’s not a bad thing.
I know this is how it is supposed to be, or it wouldn’t have happened this way. I believe in a certain kind of fatalism… In the sense that there are many different paths or dimensions of what could happen in one’s life, and depending on what choices we make, that scenario will play out regardless. Maybe that doesn’t make sense…. But it does in my head.
I’m scared. I’m genuinely terrified. I’ll have a few people that I know up there, but I’m going to be at a completely new store, where people don’t know me, and I have to rebuild those connections and that family that I have clung to so tightly here.
Yes, I feel like my friends here support my decision to move, except for the one person that I wish would. This IS a life move, but if only that person would see it as a good thing. I’m furthering my life, doing something that will make me happy and further my career. I’m moving up, I’m not staying stagnant, I’m not settling. I grew a pair of balls, and decided to do something I’ve wanted to for a long time. Yeah, like I said, the timing was shitty. I originally wanted to make these moves with that person that I would spend the rest of my life with, and I honestly saw myself doing these things with this person.
But 200 miles is too far away for these things to continue and thrive, apparently. That also says a lot about how deep those feelings and affections really run. It’s funny when someone says that they’re not going anywhere, and in the end, you’re the one that gets hurt, because they decide it’s not worth it anymore. I wish I hadn’t believed him when he had said that, because then I wouldn’t be so hurt now.
That being said, I guess that would make me like everyone else ever….. Building walls and barriers to protect myself from hurt and heartache. These things are apart of life, and as vulnerable as it makes me, I can handle anything, and I truly believe that. And so, I will accept what I have to go through, because there are lessons to be learned from everything that happens to you, and everyone who is apart of your life. That will never mean that I allow myself to be walked all over, because god knows I won’t take any bullshit…. There’s always a fine line, and a balance to everything.
And so life goes on.
Feeling so much better about life. I had a long talk with a friend who recommended that I find something to focus on, whether it’s school, or just an interest to take my mind off my current predicament. Let it play itself out. So lynda.com it is, with all it’s glory. I’m going to start teaching myself about graphic design, and all the little things I should know, and then hopefully be super prepared when I get to the Art Institute, which I am pretty sure I want to jump ahead on. We’ll see.
"I’ve seen so many young men over the years who think they’re running at other young men. They are not. They’re running at me."
-Death speaking of War
The Book Thief
I think I figured out the issue. I should never live alone. It’s good to be able to spend time alone, if needed…. But living alone is a terrible, lonely idea. I’m not the type of person that can handle it well. It’s a shame I signed a 12 month lease…. But meow that I know why I’m going through all this depression and whatnot, I can say that I have learned a lot, and will continue to, until I have a new living situation.
I’m learning to be on my own. I’m slowly learning to enjoy it. Not that I didn’t enjoy being alone before, but being on my own now means something different. It means that I have peace and quiet whenever I want it… It means that things will be in the same place I left them…. It also means that a lot of times, I feel lonely. But that’s what writing is for, right? To trace my thoughts out onto paper, or the computer.
There are a lot of things that are different…. A lot of expectations from people that did not used to have expectations of me. It’s intimidating, but good at the same time.
Even though I desperately miss my old life with Spencer sometimes, this is a good thing. And I’m “with” who I want to be with.
Life is a really fucking funny thing.