I think I figured out the issue. I should never live alone. It’s good to be able to spend time alone, if needed…. But living alone is a terrible, lonely idea. I’m not the type of person that can handle it well. It’s a shame I signed a 12 month lease…. But meow that I know why I’m going through all this depression and whatnot, I can say that I have learned a lot, and will continue to, until I have a new living situation.
I’m learning to be on my own. I’m slowly learning to enjoy it. Not that I didn’t enjoy being alone before, but being on my own now means something different. It means that I have peace and quiet whenever I want it… It means that things will be in the same place I left them…. It also means that a lot of times, I feel lonely. But that’s what writing is for, right? To trace my thoughts out onto paper, or the computer.
There are a lot of things that are different…. A lot of expectations from people that did not used to have expectations of me. It’s intimidating, but good at the same time.
Even though I desperately miss my old life with Spencer sometimes, this is a good thing. And I’m “with” who I want to be with.
Life is a really fucking funny thing.
Fear is often an irrational thing. For instance, I’m terrified of scary movies. The night after I watch said scary movie, I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see myself in that movie, and the perpetrator of all the evil that was concealed inside of the movie is standing over me, waiting to do awful things.
As rational of a human being as I can be/am, this is the one thing that I can not seem to move past. Every body has fears like this. But how do we move past them. How do we accept that we and only we are in control of what happens to us, and what we allow to control us.
Typically, the answer would be to face your fears. Hold your own space. But in that moment of paralyzing terror, can we get ahold of ourselves enough to rationally differentiate what is our space and how it is being invaded?
I, strangely, don’t have the answer to this. I wish this was something that I did. I feel like I know exactly who I am and what I need/want, and how to control those things inside of me, but for those most terrifying things that paralyze and restrict breathing to a minimum, I don’t know. All that flashes through my head is Rachael from War of the Worlds. “Put up the arms, Rach. No one can touch you within your space.”
There’s nothing that I hate more than not being able to control what happens in my own space. So, maybe it’s anger that helps you face your fear. Maybe getting angry about something invading your space is what helps you see clearly the boundaries that are being crossed, and gives you the will to stop it.
I hope it doesn’t rain today.